Reset...

Little flashes of epiphany,
Long road to destiny,
Or soon I might face,
My fears, my fate...

Time goes on,
day by day,
Life moves on,
in its own way...
Mornings, evenings and nights,
Tears, laughter and fights,
Even the sand settles down on the beach,
As soon as the waves move out of reach...
I need a way to reset,
I need a way to forget,
The chaos, the chores and the clocks,
The sights, the smells and the thoughts...

Step by little step,
down, up, down and up,
here, there and everywhere,
now, then and every year,
breakfasts, lunches and dinners,
the optimists, the realists and the whiners...
I should break the mundane and reset,
cut the chords and escape the net...
Of dreams, nightmares and the fears,
The friends, the foes and the dears,
Someday I will get a rope,
from destiny, I shall hope...
If fate is faster, I will fight,
close the noose and hold it tight...
One day I shall reset,
Win or lose, end the fight,
of pains, gains and life in between,
the sums, the multiples and the means...

It shouldn't be about the rewards,
the money, the cars or the awards,
It should be about you and me,
the memories, the love and the glee...
Of flesh, bones and the blood,
to decay, buried in the mud...
My destiny maybe my own fate,
I might realize it just too late...
For one's greatest fear it is,
to find a mirage playing the oasis...
one way to get free,
one way to run and flee,
I need to reset,
restart and get set...

*** My first try at a song, so any feedback will be appreciated. Wish I could get someone to set it to a tune.

கண்கள் மூடி கரையும் போது...

Well... Today I just sat for a few minutes and watched the rain. Yes, I know, rain is not special in Portland. It rains all the time. But for the last couple of days, the rain rains as rain should!

மழை பெய்வதை பார்க்கையில்,
ஏனோ ஒரு அமைதி...

Have you ever sat and just watched the rain pour down? I always had a fascination for that. The sound, the smell, the wet breeze... I find more peace in the pouring rain than watching the sea.

மழையின் சப்தத்தில் ஓர் சந்தோஷம்,
சாரலின் ஈரத்தில் ஓர் காதல்...

Oli had asked for one of my poems from our school tamil class. No, it wasn't written for the class, it was written during the class. I wrote it as I sat watching the rain and was wondering how fresh everything looked, while that poor excuse for a teacher droned on (I hate him.). I don't remember the lines, though it did start with the distant trees, and moved closer to the bars on the window, and to my pitiable plight at class.

இரவில் தெரு விளக்கில் தெரியும்
மழையில் ஓர் அழகு,
நினைவில், என் கனவில்,
தோன்றும் புயலிலும் ஓர் கவிதை...

There were times when I stood near the front gate of my house and just watched it pour. The big fat drops of rain in Chennai playing falling in the puddles by the road was always a fascination. The constant drizzle I have witnessed so far in Portland is reminiscent of someone crying. Like in a TV soap. I miss the fierce rain in Chennai. It felt more alive. I remember how it used to sound. How the whole city seemed fresher after each blast. How the whole place looked alive, even with empty deserted streets. Good ol' Chennai.

என்றும் மறக்க முடியா ஓர் அனுபவம்,
என் சென்னையின் மழைக்காலம்!

Retrospect 08

Hmmm... Guess this is really late to write a post on this topic. But better late than never! I tried this post as a conventional article, but it did not materialize as I wanted it to. Hence, the bulleted format. Basically, it is a list of 50 things I learnt/ realized from 2008.

1. I am getting old.
2. I need my friends. And I don't do a good job of keeping in touch.
3. Back yourself.
4. If you have a tried and tested formula, stick to it or play to your strengths.
5. I hate the cold.
6. I hate the snow more.
7. I hate waking up early the most.
8. Fear is good.
9. Sleep is necessary. The quality matters more than quantity.
10. I still love cricket.
11. Cricket is all the more poorer without Lara. Though these are exciting times.
12. The Dark Knight was one of the best movies I ever saw. Heath was just amazing.
13. Luck is a necessity for life.
14. Trust that things will work out one way or the other. But do keep trying.
15. There is nothing wrong in being too careful.
16. Hold on to what makes you happy. It keeps you sane.
17. Pride is good.
18. Know your limits.
19. Good books are great.
20. I love movies more than I thought.
21. Scrubs is awesome. So are Calvin and Hobbs, Asterix, Friends, Phd comics, xkcd (Ya I know, they all aren't the same).
22. I miss good tamil movies.
23. I miss everything Chennai. Even the heat. And the humidity.
24. I get homesick. A lot.
25. Even though it is limited, my song collection always lifts my mood.
26. I love my car. My very own. Though I still miss my Omni in India.
27. I love traction control.
28. One of the best combos in life: A nice scenic drive, good songs and some gum.
29. One of the best combos in life part II: A lazy cold saturday, warm blankets, hot drink and a good book.
30. I need coffee. It sure is a life saver.
31. Endorphins are addictive.
32. Boulder is one of the best places I have been in.
33. A.R. Rahman rules.
34. Some people can make your day just by saying hello.
35. Some people can make your day just by smiling.
36. They are too rare.
37. I like gadgets.
38. Wish there was a proper I-phone competitor.
39. I am lazy.
40. I need more time on my own than most other people.
41. Sometimes I am just a jerk.
42. I am clumsy too many times.
43. I wish I hadn't hit the pillar. Or broken the blinds. Or...
44. I wish I had gone to India in 08.
45. I miss playing cricket, even though I am pretty average at it. (Ok, bad!)
46. I envy people who can blog regularly.
47. You can never have enough money. or time.
48. I don't get comments on my blog.
49. Obama is really good.
50. This list is long.

I am no Superman...

Heard the full version of the song recently. Until then I knew only the few lines from Scrubs. The lyrics are great! (skipped the first stanza)... Currently they also reflect on my life right now...

Well
I know what I've been told,
You got to work to feed the soul
But I can't do this all on my own
No, I know, I'm no Superman
I'm no Superman

You've got your love online
You think you're doing fine
But you're just plugged into the wall

And that deck of tarot cards
Won't get you very far
There ain't no hand to break your fall

Well
I know what I've been told
You gotta know just when to fold
But I can't do this all on my own
No, I know, I'm no Superman
I'm no Superman

That's right

You've crossed the finish line
Won the race but lost your mind
Was it worth it after all

I need you here with me
Cause love is all we need
Just take a hold of the hand that breaks the fall

Well I know what I've been told
Gotta break free to break the mold
But I can't do this all on my own
No I can't do this all on my own
I know that I'm no Superman
I'm no Superman
I'm no Superman

Someday we'll be together
I'm no Superman
Someday
Someday we'll be together
Someday
I'm no Superman


*dedicated to artz

Writer's block!

What are we,
when words fail?
When million thoughts occur,
but none prevail?

What is a human,
with words swallowed?
When he thinks a ton,
but never aloud?

Walking different paths,
leaving no prints...
thinking in words,
which never get heard..
smiling a sad song,
crying a dry tear...
one of several bubbles,
lost in the air...

What is the use
of an empty gravestone?
and no one knows
the owner of the bone?

What is a sparrow,
that cant sing?
or the mighty eagle,
that cant take wing?

Letters don't mean anything,
words mean a lot...
Silence maybe golden,
dumbness is not...

It all starts at birth,
Death is the end,
When words are smothered
life is just pretend..

What are we,
when words fail?
When million thoughts occur,
but none prevail?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have been struggling with a severe writer's block for the past few months. The first line of the poem came as I sat brooding the case, but the poem attained a posting pass mark only after several deletions... Not my best, but I hope this breaks the dam!

People..

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you will know exactly what to do.

These lines are the best examples of an understatement. Or of being concise to the point. Whatever they are, they are the lines which make you think. You think and think. But you get more confused.

To make more sense of these lines.. we can say people you meet in your life, either are there to help you out through a situation (reason), through a period of time (a season) or to be with you forever. This line does not say anything new, the catch is in the next one. When you figure out which it is, you will know exactly what to do. The big question is, can we figure it out? Ever??

Most people either treat everyone to be there for a reason. They make acquaintances, not friends. They exist, with few memories, fewer hurts. Maybe somewhere in them they need a hand, maybe they can live only for them. And they wonder less, wander less, give less, expect less.

Then there are those who treat everyone like they are there for a lifetime. They are the ones who get hurt most often. Who have teary eyed memories to talk of. Photos to hold on. Who cannot let go, for the simple reason they don't know when to let go.

And as always, there is someone who has it all figured out. Knows exactly whom to look up to, whom to hold on to, whom to simply let go. Being one of them is everyone's dream. The problem is, we all think we are one of them. We end up dropping people who would always be ready with a helping hand or a caring ear, and we hold on to others who would never think twice to leave your hand to pick up a penny from the street.

People who come in for a reason are too many to name.. They are the ones who turn up from nowhere and just vanish.. That auto driver who told you wonderful stories when your going back home from a movie.. That guy in the ambassador who braked when you slipped trying to catch your college bus.. Or simply, the guy with the one rupee coins which helped you make a call.. Or even a character from a movie.. They are our own little miracle people.. Smaller angels..

We remember the season people more vividly. They are the images of our past. Our very own Malgudi days. They include, as my previous blog touched upon, some teachers, classmates, those gangs from school and college, that boy in your street, those people from a summer class... They help you through a tough time, live and laugh and cry with you, and then part ways. You move schools, you move houses, you move out of your country, but you still remember them and wonder what they are now..

But then, all it takes is one lifetime friend, to guide you through the others you meet. Ever wonder how your best friends never trust the girl you like, only for them to be proven right?? Or someone when they leave you saying it is for the good of both?? And it hits you sometime later like a blast of cold air, that they had to go when they did?? Somehow your lifetime friends know about your other lifetime people.. They are god's answer to the riddle.. But again.. the trick is finding them.. or one.. and then you build..

And then there are people more special.. People you love.. Or more important.. People who love you..

Blogs, poems and stories are spread across the web asking the age old question. What exactly is love?? For me, in view of these lines, it is when you find someone you feel is there for every reason, every season and for all your future lives, and whom, even when you tell them you are there for a reason, believe you to be there for their lifetime. They are the ones, whom your best friend instantly recognizes, and warns you about leaving them. They are the ones, who would know when to spoil you, or when to kick your butt. And do it again and again, never believing their season is over. Always knowing their reason is forever. 'Cause Love is forever.

Boulder..

When you post after some 9 months, people expect you to say a lot.. When you post after 9 months, it also means you didn't have much to say till now.. When you post after 9 months, it could also mean you had a lot to say, but couldn't.. So, what is this blog about?? you should know in a few minutes..

I ain't at Boulder anymore. Things have changed. And, when you think back about a piece of your past, the good times look better, the bad times, also, look better!

Few hours before I left Boulder, one of my friends told me that it ain't so bad to let a good friend go, because you know they will always be in touch and always, be there when you need them. Good friends make good memories, good memories make good writers. When you start writing and then realise you are quoting your friends, you know how much they had an impact on you. When you start writing about a place and start talking about the people, then it shows that even hell could be fun with the right people.

For clarification, Boulder wasn't hell. Hell doesn't freeze over. And stay so for months together. Hell doesn't take people in and make them better. And then send them out sad. But maybe Boulder was hell. All that fire to forge you. Or cook you to cinders. Maybe not, 'cause Boulder is beautiful.

Mountains stand guard and escort you wherever you go. I still feel awed by them. Thousand miles away. They were majestic every day. Every season. Snow made them look old and wise, summer made them look alive. Spring made them laugh. The trees followed suit. But they went one step further at fall. They shed leaves, but did that in a blast of colours. If you fall, fall like those leaves. Alive and vibrant, colorful and cheery. And be born again.

Boulder had majestic buildings. Majestic doesn't mean size here. They were grand. They were classy. They weren't rock star skyscrapers, they were stylish aristocrats. Combined with the mountains, they made you look small. They made you think big. Boulder was perfect for the eye, a haven for the romantic, for someone like me.

And then, there is the creek. Or, there are the creeks. Everywhere. Spots where time stops. Stops where you can have that take out meal, and make it fun. And reminisce. And feel good about life, even with assignments a day away.

Assignments. They had this knack of becoming you. Time was measured in days to a deadline. Days merged to weeks. Weeks meant exams. Weeks meant projects. They all meant being shut off in a room staring at monitors. They all meant caffeine was a life saver. Food was just a necessity. Life was measured in grades. But life was good. Something about having something to do, makes days melt away. Even when that something to do, meant there were nothing much else you can do. Those were times, when five minute breaks made you feel better. Not 'cause of all that caffeine you just pumped into your system, 'cause then you met some people. Actually, not any people. Friends.

Friends make or break you. When they break you they make you harder, and then make you better. Every part of you has been influenced by someone in your past. You don't need a psychiatrist to explain it to you. You know it when you cross your 'A', the same way as that one person in school. Or when your 'r' looks like your English teacher's. Mine does. And it extends beyond the alphabet.

When your stuck in a foreign land, with everything in your past in the danger of being judged from what you do in the present, the future looks scary. To have someone knock you on the head and say the future is just one step here and there in the present, is priceless. To know a bunch of them, makes you special. I am special. Friends make your life. They define you in the sort of way, your parents did when you were too small to know how small transistors are. Actually, transistors where much bigger then. We were too happy not knowing about them.

This is the point when I stop and scroll up to look. If I write anymore, this would be called a book. If I write anymore, some psychiatrist somewhere, in the future, will judge me with these lines. Maybe that will cost me my presidency. Maybe, that will make me friends. But definitely, I will have something to blog about. And then reminisce with friends.

This blog doesn't lead you anywhere. It just makes you sit there. And then think, whether today is being sacrificed for tomorrow. And when you know tomorrow never comes, you know these sacrifices maybe in vain. Invest a little for tomorrow. And also invest some interest in today. Live. Laugh. Fight. Feel good. Feel sad. Move on.